Mundane Musing: I am finally coming home to myself...
Whatever Deathcab said about the soul meeting the body. Yadda yadda yadda.
I couldn’t tell you what in particular has shifted over the past month.
Maybe it was the reminder that life is often too short and our end could come at any time. Maybe it was the shift from Spring to full-on Summer. Maybe it was whatever extra substance was in that spliff we smoked in Wales. Maybe it was the dopamine detox.
Maybe it was the stark reminder that whenever one door closes another opens and life truly will be okay despite it not feeling as such. Or maybe it was simply enough time passed for me to heal whatever part of me needed healing.
All I know is that the grass is greener, the sky a more vibrant blue, the sunlight feels like angels kissing my skin, and for the first time in a very long time, I go through each day feeling more alive and feeling the gratitude that I am alive.
All I know is that there has been a massive shift.
I spent the past 3 years in a deep dark depression, all of my own accord. I couldn’t see the beauty around me. I couldn’t appreciate what I had. I couldn’t see how things would work out. I was all reaction all the time. My nervous system destroyed by my own anxiety and hopelessness.
For so long there was so much doubt that I simply did not know myself anymore. Already struggling with a deep depression I was now struggling with a crisis of identity on top of it all.
It feels like I am truly coming home to myself.
For the past month, I have woken up and felt so smitten to be where I am. Nothing has changed situationally. I live in the same house I did a year ago. I have the same friends. I have the same partner. I go to the same places every week. Yet, it all feels fresh.
What has changed is me. What has changed is my own gratitude.
You can’t outrun your own mind.
Today, I cried. Not because I was sad, but because I was HAPPY. Because I had forgotten what happiness was and felt like. I had forgotten how to be happy and now I feel it daily. I had forgotten who I was and like someone snapped and woke me up, I now remember.
I had forgotten that happiness comes from the hummingbird that visits every red flower around my home. That happiness comes from the blooming of the milkweed and the growth of the oak tree. That happiness comes from the passion fruit vine that will bless me with one simple fruit.
That happiness comes from our simple, everyday interactions and observations with the world around us. That happiness is simply bearing witness to this world and finding the beauty in every corner we can.
I can’t explain it. I don’t know if there’s a road map to finding it. I do know that if you take enough time to center yourself and simply observe that you too will start noticing the beauty around you and in turn, you might just feel a little tingle of happiness too.
This weekend I urge you to be present. To notice the world around you. To write down your observations in detail. To make a practice of finding the beauty around you.
If you’re struggling in life right now, like I was for so long, I am here to remind you that this struggle does not last forever. That things do get better. That happiness will find you again in unexpected ways, like the sweat on your brow after tending to your garden bed, or a ripe pineapple on a summer day.
I love you, friend.
Until next time.
xoxo,
Roo